Sunday, December 20, 2009

The death of my father.

It has beet a while..

First it was my birthday, then it was busy times at school and home, then it was the death of my father, then it was the holidays. I am sorry to have left you for so long. But I can tell you, I am more than happy to begin again. So here we are. things have changed a bit since we have blogged. I have turned 28, and I became a girl with out a father.

I guess you could say i am just a widowed daughter, or a child who's father died. Im not really sure the terminology. What I can tell you is that I have a wonderful family.

Here is your brief update. My father died. He ultimately died of pneumonia/respiratory failure. In other words, DEPRESSION and the fact that when you are sad and can not get over it you will one day die of an unhappy heart. That is what happened to my father. Some time in 1998, things changed in his life. The love of his life left him. He just was unable to get over this and went down a spiral demise from this time forward.

So, today I can say, my dad died. He is dead. I can not bring him back to my life. And I HATE the idea and thought of DIVORCE. Even if you can be the most mature individuate you can be. This will suck for your kids.

I will write more about how I feel about my dad and his life that is not here anymore. But at this point, I am more sad than when I began. So I will begin another day. Love you all.


In dedication of my father.

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Friday, September 4, 2009

Good Riddance Summer

There is something evil or for better words, transformative of summer time. is that a word?

Giselle was a great little sister before school let out. She some what ignored the fact she had a sister. When summer break began, it was an entire new ball park. 24 hours a day with sissy might have been a little too much. Something changed. Giselle began to need for me to "watch me, watch me" for every little insignificant movement she made. Don't get me wrong. She is an amaizinglysmartbeautifulcreativethoughtfulinovativeintuitive little girl. I adore her. And she is my lovely. I also will preface that, humbly, I admit I looked down on the mothers that begged for summer to be over due to the fact they were tired of their kids. I used to think "You fucking bitches, summer is the time to play and spend non-stop with your child. Why would you hate summer?" But I must say, I understand you now. And..... I am sorry for judging you. Let me explain. I LOVE spending any time with Giselle AND Lola Bean. However, this summer had a new effect on the first born than I have ever seen. She became needy of time, attention, exciting emotion, praise and anything that falls under that umbrella. I am an aware parent. I did not want Giselle to think she was less important. I paid plenty of attention of Priss to be sure I didn't no favor the "NEW" child.

No matter how hard I worked, it didn't matter. Summer came and FUCKED it all up.

Now school is back. Giselle is back. She has become the Best Sister I could ask for. She ADORES Lola. Now Priss WANTS to help. She plays with her. She watches her. She keeps an eye on her. She is fitting into the Big Sister role that I hoped for. While not compromising her individualism or independence.

Please let me thank Jim, Brandon, Our family, and every one that makes it possible for Giselle to attend this school. I believe this is our ticket to the best education Giselle could get. It is best for her. She loves it. We love it. Maybe one day Lola can excel with it.

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

what sleep schedule?

back to our old sleep schedule. luckily we dont have to stroll her to sleep like she does. but i would not say what we have is much better. at least she has her bed. she is back to her usual. sleep by 8. wake with in an hour or two. refuse to sleep the remainder of the night in anything but my cleavage in OUR bed. it is adorable though. the way she falls asleep these days. she squeezes my tit and pushes on it. just like an animal with their mother. quite sweet and endearing. although i did not mention what she does with her other hand. my inner bicep is layered with small bruises the size of a dime or less.. she fancies pinching and punching the inner area of my upper arm. i used to think it was cute. NOT any more. after nine months. not so much. i would like her to stop. so when the plan was to cut out at least one nursing session. i think we may have added one due to her teething.

if i had it my way, i would be prancing her around all my friends, all jims co-workers, all the people we know. she will gladly add a smile to your face. she is so goofy and quick to attempt to make you laugh. she is way better than your lame-O therapist. i swear.

she is quite the different child. she putseverygoddamnthinginhermouth. she moves so fast that i dont know how she gets from the living room to the bathroom, to the kitchen to pulling up on me while i have a hot pot in hand cooking dinner. she is explorative. if that is a word. i have an issue with memories. as close friends may know. i dont remember all of what giselle was like during this time. it was only 7 years ago. WTF? but, i do remember her knowing what the word no meant. lola does not comprehend it just yet. she just smiles and laughs at me. all the while i think she is saying.... "who me? ha ha ha bull shit, im not going to stop this. it is way too much fun." in her head.

we have so much to look forward to. germs and all.

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

when do i work?

more scheduling issues. not like before. i know how to handle giselle. husband. lola. willie. bilo. laundry. dinner. dusting. organizing. de-cluttering. facebook time. internet searching. design upkeep. school drop off/pick up. grocery shopping. texting. future planning. reading a fucking book every now and then. dishes. videography. interior design. clothes. dirty floors. plants. grass. showering. eating. working out. giving up the beauty of my tits up to nursing. day dreaming. socializing. family. blogging. photography. but i have one issue. my design business is booming.... when can i work? i have three free times, equaling 30-60 minutes a day for free time. most of which are filled with the above. now, since i have a customer or 10, i have to find time to design. and eventually create my OWN website so my clients can see i am legit and have talent. at what moment in the day do i include theworking/makingmoney/myfuture/mysanity/creativetime? not really sure. guess once i get paid i will use that money for a FUCKING nanny a couple hours once in a while.

on another note, here is my little lafayette to all my trueblood fans.


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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Rock. Sleep. Cry.


Little Beaner Toot was NOT happy about mommy trying to change her sleep situation!

So, the usual plan is this (when I say usual, I mean it is the same action night to night down to the way I whisper in her ear to how I gently lay her in the crib)… One or both of us bath her/Prepare her for bed. I then sit in the rocking chair with LB. She lays on the Boppy (nursing pillow i could not live with out) as I follow the same night time ritual to get her to fall fast asleep. I sometimes need to pull out an array of creative tricks to seal the deal but for the most part, this is the way the first part of the evening goes.

Bean will typically wake any time between midnight to 3AM. At this time she just whines a little, one of us will go to get her and bring her in the bed (king size thank goodness) with us and she nurses to sleep. She will often times wake one-three more times through out the night (can not be specific because most of the time I don’t even remember) to nurse. We have been fine with this schedule/night ritual/sleep plan. Whatever you want to call it. Until the last week, I explained last night.

As I went into her room last night, I found Toot in crawling position waiting calmly for me to pick her up, change her and bring her in my room. But this time, after the diaper change, I sat down in her rocker and tried the new plan. … Uh… I wish I had a camera on her at this moment. Lo looked at me (did not even start to nurse yet) and just stared into my eyes. Her hands loosely together fidgeting, eyes stuck on my every movement, this little girl wanted to know “why the hell are we sitting here and not going into OUR bed?”

This lasted for what seemed like 20 minutes. She finally nursed. Fell fast asleep and I stood up, placed her sweet little fat ass into her bed. NOPE. She was not having that.

Kick (not sleep)
HER bed
OUR bed
SLEEP……Finally FUCK.

She then slept the night away until the morning.

Now, what is my plan tonight?
I have no damn clue.
Any suggestions?

My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

sleep weaning & sleep training?

If you have spoken with husband or my self, you know that LB sleeps in her bed from 8ish until anywhere from midnight to 3AM. He & I like her in our bed after this first wake of hers. We enjoy her laying with us for some of the night. We love knowing she is safe. We love mornings waking with her next to us. We love to hear her little breath in between us.

But there is this little problem...
(is she fucking serious, ((my question @ 4AM) )She has began waking up in the middle of the night screamingcryingpissing(the pissed off kind)fussing the last week and it is really starting to test my patience and creating anger within my body.

I suppose it is time to sleep train/night wean. (I admit while I quietly weep inside)

I am not sure if I am really ready for this. At the same time, I am really in the need of sleep for longer than three hours at a time. I'm torn. (trying to be less dramatic)

I think it is going to be along night.

To husband, please forgive me. I will be a BITCH and short tempered the next few days due to lack of sleep.

To drivers on the road, be glad you can not hear my profanity from the inside of my car. I WILL be cursing you.

To any one in contact with me in the next few days. Please be patient, I will HATE you and all your short comings without forgiveness.
My site was nominated for Best Parenting Blog!

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Ten reasons why I love Husband

There are many more reasons; this is just the ten of the moment.

1. He Supports me in ANYTHING I want to do.
Weather I want to learn to sew, play the piano, attempt to garden, grow my hair out, try this blogging thing, get thin, learn about wine or become a doctor, he will tell me “Go for it Baby”. All the while cheering me on and supporting me in any way he can. He says “anything that keeps you busy and happy, I’m all for it”. I love him for that.

2. He makes me a better woman/mom/wife.
When I meet him I didn’t recognize my self anymore. His meaning and morality surprised me. I didn’t think there were humans like him. Because of him, today I am proud of my choices, my mothering, and my ability to be a good wife. It is my daily goal to be a better woman/wife/mother. He thinks I’m doing a ‘hell of a job” and so do I. I recognize my self today. I love him for that.

3. He calls me HOT STUFF.
Husband likes to tell me when he thinks I look good. This encourages me to stay healthy, get up and put me self together for the day, & try to look good for him. I want him to find me attractive till we leave this place. The more he tells me he likes what he sees, the better I feel about my self. I love him for that.

4. He loves his mother.
We all know the saying. “How a man treats his mother is a good sign how he will treat you.” Husband loves and respects his Mama as well as each of his family members. I have fallen in love with his family bond. It would be lovely for all families to be like his. I love him for this.

5. He shares my love in nutrition & cooking.
(Even if he does eat animals)
Some would say my idea of how we should cook for our families is “high maintenance”. (He might even say that, ha) Yet he thrives to cook a meal every night of the week like I do. He gets excited on the weekend thinking and researching the tasty meals we will cook. That is so sexy. To watch this man from start to finish attempt to keep the kitchen clean, (because that is the way I like it) to attempt to master time management in hopes to have each component be ready at just the right time, to see him cooking for me and for our family is simply lovely. I love him for this.

6. He keeps his hair long and keeps permanent facial hair because I love it.
The fact that Husband does things because “I like it” makes me smile. I love love love his long hair. It is just a HOT MESS. I love his face with scruff. And he hasn’t cut it since the day I told him this. Now that is love in this fucking Texas heat. I love him for this.

7. He looks hot doing a push-up.
Husband likes to stay in shape. This naturally attracts me to him. I like to watch him do push-ups. His arms & back are sexy. I love that he works out. I wish I could watch him body build all day…. Psh.. ok, that would be a little gay. But it is nice to watch him do push-ups. ☺ I love him because of this.

8. He opens the car door for me EVERY time.
This man is old school. (In the good way) He is not so traditional that it gets degrading; it is just the right amount. He loves that I make him coffee every morning, that I do the laundry, that I am home when he comes home and I love that he opens my door, takes out the trash and gets bugs out of the house. I love him for this.

9. He has NEVER been disrespectful to me.
Husband should write the damn manual on “How to be a Man & How to love your wife. He NEVER yells at me. He NEVER says anything nasty to me. He NEVER gives me an unkind eye. He NEVER looses his cool with me. He simply loves me. And it shows in every word, every kiss, and every action he takes. This is just amazing to me and it might just be why I married him. (Well, reason number one.)

10. His name is Jim.
Jim & Jenn. It sounds good together right. Ha. Yep. Duh.

I love Husband.

Ps. Lola Beaner Toot just took the biggest shit of her life so I need to go tend to that.

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Only child syndrome.

I would like to know more mothers that have had more than one child. I NEVER thought about "age difference" when I was thinking of planning a family. But then, i'm not much into family planning. (obviously the current until the next one) I wish I could talk to another few families who have more than one and that have a significant age gap. I guess I need some sort of training.

Time Management - Check
Figuring out her naps - Check
Night time - Check ( one day needs to be adjusted)
Sissy bonding - Check
How to spend our days - Check
How to deal with Only Child Syndrome - I need a fucking manual/tutor/trainer/nanny/book/clone/whateverelseyoucansuggest

Giselle is graceful (most of the time). She will gently let me know she is tired of bean being awake. "Can she take two naps at a time?" or "Can we have Nay Nay Baby watch her today?" She will share her feelings in a kind manner. But she has THOSE feelings. She desires "mommy and me" time EVERY day.

I want to give that to her. But I want her to get used to being a sissy. I am ready for her to understand that there WILL be naps. There WILL be feedings. She WILL need to learn how to entertain her self as I need to put her to bed.

I read Mrs. Wolf's blog all the fucking time. I love her mothering style. I love how adorable Fable is. I love her honesty and experiences that are raw and similar to my life and struggles I can relate to... She has two children, but not the age difference I have. She talked about the guilt of a second child. And I have it. I would love to talk to other moms about how they handled this. And how long it lasted. I want to be there for Giselle like I used to be. But at the same time, take great care of Lola. I want to help Giselle with this transition as well as get help with this situation. There is a bigger age difference than just a couple years. She is a good girl. Don't get me wrong. She tries to be graceful about her suggestions and she NEVER has and evil/hurtful actions toward her sister. I just want to know what to do from here. I want to finish this summer with a bank. Keeping her busy, keeping it fun, and having us time.

Oh, secong children. I feel sorry for you. Tell me how you adjusted. (even though I was a second child, i don't remember that shit) Please.
What is the best age to bring another child into your family. We need to begin that planning.

Below is a video about Beaner Toot.

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Friday, July 3, 2009

wouldn't you like to know

Good day. (in aussie accent)

Beaner Toot is evolving at such a rapid rate this past month.

Things that have changed:
She can pull up to a standing position if holding onto support.
She can now get in the "crawl" position. (has yet to make the first real move)
She isn't a laughy girl, but she will screech till your ear drum bursts.
She enjoys being read to.
She falls asleep now facing sideways in a seated position with her head rested on my chest. (so adorable, ugh)

Things that are not changing:
She still isnt a fan of her stroller for a long period of time.
She HATES me walking out of the room.
Has perma-smile.
Sports the biggest blue eyes on the face of this planet.
Can make any old person melt.
Still loves to eat phones.
She makes music by blowing bubbles that makes me giggle.

Well, we miss sweet priss in this house. She has been gone for five days with her aunt in Destin. She is driving home as I type. We are excited for her to return. She was surely home sick. Is there a term for me missing her that is similar to "home sick"? (other than i miss her)

I have been doing a few design projects. It feels good to get back in the game. Since Lo entered this world, I have been on hiatus. I have been spending a lot of time catching up on current new award wining sites and brainstorming. It feels good.

So much more to say, but beaner toot just woke up. Stay tuned...

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Saturday, June 13, 2009

oh, lo

oh, my sweet sweet bean. you make me laugh. you are a "happy baby" they say. as i am proud. now, lets get to crawling!

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Saturday, June 6, 2009

fifty percent of her

summer time has begun and i know this year it is going to be fun.
i am excited to spend my days with giselle. if you know me, you know our schedule with her is always something different. in the past few years there have been phases. times when she was with daddy more and times that she was with me more and back and forth again. this last year, i was thankful to have a little more stable schedule for her. even though i wish we could have got a little more daddy time in during the week, i think the time they did spend together were fun packed.

i learned something yesterday about giselle. i realized i dont know the "daddy's" giselle. i only know the "mommy's" giselle. and her life is quite different at the two locations. i want to know more about the other 50% of her. i want to know more about how she acts and food she chooses and everything in between. these thoughts came to the surface when i decided to take her to taco bueno for lunch. i was not feeling well yesterday and decided to take her to something fast for lunch. i think in her lifetime i have maybe taken her to a fast food place 3 to four times. (minus a desert trip) nevertheless, i learned what she orders from this place. a kids meal with a crispy taco with only meat and cheese and a root beer. the meal comes with cinnamon chips. she likes to open the taco and eat it on one side then eat the filling that fell out with the other side. she likes root beer a lot. and her favorite part is the cinnamon chips. she loves the sugar and cinnamon at the bottom and likes to lick the chip and dip it in the yummies.

it is strange. to not know parts of her. to not know what soda she likes. to not know what she would order at a restaurant. i could get upset about it, but there is no need. nothing will be changing any time soon, so i just have to get to talking with her. she has gained this level of maturity lately. we can have really neat conversations of a new level. she is fun to be around. i continue to have the opportunity to teach her how to be a genuine, kind, giving, moral individual through each day we spend together.

i look forward to watch her grow with her sissy, learn about life and become a young woman. i adore her. she is my pooty!!

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Friday, May 29, 2009

a letter to lo

dear beaner toot,

in five days you will have lived through six months of life. people say this time goes by fast, and perhaps it has. however this six months seems to have taken forever. your daddy and i feel like life has stood still since you came into our lives.

you have more than doubled your weight. you have gone from a little sleepy bean to a toot with a grin and a giggle. you have surprised us with your eagerness to see life while sitting up early. my weekdays at home with you are getting easier as you are getting older. you seem to like that you are able to see more. you now have one tooth up on the rise and a second one that should catch up in the next day or two. you have so many milestones yet to come, yet so many already reached. some one special said last week that "one can tell a baby that is loved." he said that your temperament and your personality, your laughter and constant smile from your eyes to your mouth displays the love that our family has. this is more than true. you are loved...

it is a little overwhelming to think of how fast time is moving. that in six more months you will have lived one entire year. that when giselle is 13 you will be 6. that when you are 20 mommy will be near 50.

beaner toot, our life has shifted to find a space for you. you are a perfect fit for our family. please maintain your health, your humor and your ability to nap... mommy needs you to nap... please!

i love you lola.
more than there are stars in the sky.
more than the number of kisses daddy will give you.
more than there will be hugs in your lifetime.
more than there will be teeth for you to grow.
more than the millions of things you will learn about.
more than there are cute outfits at gap/old navy/target.
more than there are baby design websites that mommy looks at.
more than the number of times we will say toot in your lifetime.
more than there are grinds in daddy's coffee.
more than there are words you will learn.
more than the number of times i will tell you "no".
more than the number of times you will tell ME "no".
more than there will be boys (or girls) that want to kiss you.
more than the amount of dollars you will ask to "borrow".
more than the times i will tell you,
i love you.

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

cutting a tooth

Dah dahh,

I just wanted to tell you that I can not wait for our time together this weekend. I am excited to see a new part of Texas with you and Mommy and Sissy at Lake Palestine.

This week has been busy. I played with Mama while my teeth are slowly coming in. Sissy had a pool party that MaMa wanted to go to so I stayed at the house with Aunt Shannda. I love her and love Aleese so much!! She is so silly.
Mama missed you while you were at work. So do I. I want to have lunch with you more often.

We play a lot while you are at work. Want to see the photos??

I know you are proud that I cut my first tooth, but I am not so happy. The tooth hurts as it is growing in. Im sure I will have a lot of distractions this weekend.

Well, I will sleep with you tonight then see you after you get there tomorrow.
I love you, more than anything in this world.. other than mamas tit.

Duh, Love lola beaner toot.

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Friday, May 15, 2009

From this to that

Grapevines & snot on my shoulder.
Graduation & Breath taking views at the Chart House.
Visit at the ER & a game of LIFE.
Pebble Beach Golf Links & the highest stress I have felt in at least a year.
Sleepless nights & big sister bravery.

That is what we have been up to.

Jim and I celebrated on year married in California.
We visited Napa, Monterey & San Francisco.

When we returned, we discovered Lola was getting ill. We soon found ourselves in the ER and watched our Bean struggle through this traumatic time. Giselle stood brave and has been a star this week while Lola has needed to have more attention. Giselle had a stepping up ceremony and a field day. Next week we plan to take her out to play because she was such a good sport. Lola is getting better. She is still a snot head. Jim is beginning to not feel so hot. I really hope he stays healthy.

To Giselle: Im proud of you for owning your sister role this week.
To Lola Bean: Im so happy your are stronger and well now.
To my Husband: I thank you for the most rewarding and loving past year. I learned a lot this year.

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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Lola & Mom out of breath...

Lola makes me happy.
I will be missing her and Giselle in the wine country.

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Friday, May 1, 2009

Laughs & Tents

This little lady.... she amazed me yesterday. I read Girls Gone Child blog, and the day i watched Fable laugh, I was so excited to see the day I could see Lola laugh like that. I have tried everything. I have bounced, I have boo'd, I have peek-a-boo'd, I have boop'd. I have not been successful till now.

In other news.
Giselle is at her teachers house. They are having a sleepover. Everyone was so excited today. I can not wait to hear how it went tomorrow early!!!!
This is what it looked like at drop off.

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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Lake House

We spent the weekend with my best lady friends at a Lakehouse!
This place was great! I suggest everyone gather your closest friends and take a trip. Giselle didn't get to come this time. But we will be going to Palestine in three weeks and South Padre in July. I am thankful the girls were able to spend some time with Lola. I am also happy to spend some much needed time with the ladies. I'm excited to get to know their significant others better and for them to get to know Jim.
Please enjoy our photos.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Times are a changin

Things have changed so much with this little bean girl.
Her head is so much bigger.
She falls asleep in a new way.
She wont sleep in "baby cradle." She likes to face outward.
She is content with her self for longer now.
She will sit in a bouncer or on the bed for a minute longer.

Priss is getting stronger.
She is having 3 hour Gymnastic practice twice a week!!!
She is doing hand stands, back up circles, and back handsprings.
Come see her. She loves spectators!!!!!

We will be leaving both of them in two weeks.
I'm worried about it.
I hope they will be okay.

I love them both so much.
Priss is such a good big sis.
Beaner toot is in love with priss.

This is what I wanted it to be like.

Hooray for girls.

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Saturday, April 4, 2009

Her head is now bigger than my boob.

she has grown that much. it is official.
her head is now bigger than my tit.

here are the things that are changing:
she has increasing eye/hand coordination.
for example...
she grasps her toys.
she plays with her feet... and eats them.

she sees what is coming.
for example...
i had an ice cream,
she opened her mouth for a lick.

she recognizes family.
for example...
she smiles and laughs and stops nursing when she sees them.

she is just big and long and strong.
for example...
she will stand with assistance for ever. it is her favorite.
she has rolled over several times from front to back.
she will sit up assisted.

we will refrain from feeding her any food other than breast milk until 6 months. i know this is the right decision. babies are rushed into food too early. i believe this to cause allergies and digestive issues.

we bought her this teething thing. it is a ring with a mesh bag on it. you can put a piece or fruit (later) or ice. OMG she loves the ice. we think who might be teething. and boy oh boy does she enjoy munching on this.

we visited tristan today in austin. this was his first time seeing the baby. she loved him. here are their photos. we love tris.

she is too big. and its freaking me out.

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Saturday, March 28, 2009


husband is home.
his flight was canceled last night. he didnt arrive until this early morning. i was so happy to see him. i am so proud of jim. he is quite an ambitious one. and that is sexy to me.
after some rest and then play,
we enjoyed some pho and more fun in the sun in the yard. i tried to get lo to roll over for jim but she wasnt into it today. she did it twice yesterday. come on lola, daddy needs to see you laugh and roll over!!! he says since he was gone, her hair grew. she lost all her hair from when she was born. now her new growth is coming in. she will for sure be a strawberry blond. how cute is that?

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

guilt and forgiveness

when i am nursing, i think of every topic under the sun. from lola’s future to giselle's school to being a wife and to death. tonight, im here alone. husband is on some technology training in hotlanta. my thoughts went wild when i was putting lola to sleep. there were my scared thoughts. my perturbed mind creating a few "what ifs"... i hate that my mind does this to me. remind me to tell jim we need a will before we leave for california. (yes, the thoughts were that bad). my thoughts then went to food, willie our dog and then to the weekend plans. tonight was an unusually long nursing/rocking to bed night. my thoughts continued to babies that dont have it as well as lola does. babies that have parents that neglect them. emotion of sadness and sorrow overcame me. then i began to think about lola. about how lucky she is and is going to be to have parents that STAY together. that love one another. i began to feel guilt. guilt that i did that to giselle. im sorry that i changed so much after her birth that it caused us to no longer love one another.
never did any one tell me, during all the advice and stories that people share of parenting that i will have a never ending feeling of guilt in my life as a parent. i know i am a good mother. i know that i do what i can for both of my girls. i know that i have made decisions in giselle's life that were for the better. but i also know that there were moments i wish i could take back. that i acted immaturely at times. i know that choices i have made, or changes in her life have created such an issue within me that eat me up. if i was selfish ever, i fee guilty about it. if i put my self first ever, i feel guilty. if i didnt listen to her once, i feel guilty. if i spent too much time away form her, i felt guilty. if i made bad decisions (and i made plenty of them), i felt guilty. it is bad.
and as of late, i have been thinking of a few years back. thinking of what i was. who i was. where i was. im not proud of it. and i feel guilty. how do i move past this? how do i tell myself that it was just a time in my life, i needed jennifer time? how do i take this burden off? how do i punish my self then move on?
i think now that jim has been gone for 32 hours, i have been thinking. i NEVER want to be a single mother again. i adore him. i love the family life. i wished for it all of my life. i am the best mother i can be today. and that is a pretty fucking phenomenal mother if i do say so my self. and a great wife too while i am at self boasting. i just cant get over my lows. i cant forgive myself for the bad choices. please tell me how you do it.
how do you do that?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Her fourth year.

Giselle found an old voice recorder yesterday. We found a tape from October 10th 2001. The tape was of her blabbing and making noise. Such as, "Yahh yahh yahh, da da, ma, do, yahhhh". Some time in March 2005, we found the recorder. She was 4! The cutest things ever were on this tape. She interviews me and I interview her. As I listened to it, I cried. Im not usually an over emotional type of mother. I just have no video of her when she was younger and this being the first time to hear this was so strange. A huge wave of emotion came over me. I can't pinpoint what it was. Was I happy, sad, proud, guilty, surprised? She had such a baby voice. She was so cute. I asked her what her favorite thing to do was, she said "Shopping at wholefoods and Wallgreens", (Ha. Wallgreens, what the fuck? I guess we shopped there a lot. I don't remember. ) and "going to Nay Nay's". I am going to see if my husband can turn this into a digital format. If he can I will post it on a future blog. It is so special to me. I never want to loose this. When she was four, I was going through some very hard times in life. I was alone, I had major money troubles, I was confused, I spent every moment that she was with her dad at the bar. I was depressed. I missed a lot of her fourth year due to work. I think that was the emotion I felt. I think that was what overcame me.
It has inspired me. It gave me that nudge. That tap on my shoulder telling me, look at where you are now. Look at what I have today. I am the mother I dreamed of being. I am proud of my self today. I am "the best mommy in the world" according to Priss. And that is ALL that matters. Today.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Spring Break Priss Style

Last week was spring break for Giselle. This is what she was up to.
We babysat the class guinea pig Sweetie!!!
She swam at an indoor pool, she went to Arbuckle Wilderness, and she spent some time with her Aunt Shannon. She also had lunch with her old neighbor friends. We spent a lot of time out in the front yard practicing gymnastics and riding her scooter. We went to Central Market to play and eat with Ange and the kids. We went on a walk in the Colleyville Nature center. We spent the rest of our time out at Nay Nay’s in the country, enjoying s’mores and 4-wheeler rides.
Now it’s a new week and we are back to school. Only a short time till summer. I can not wait. This will be our first summer together!!! I was working before. Now we can spend some time together outdoors. I am so excited!