Rock. Sleep. Cry.

Failure!

Little Beaner Toot was NOT happy about mommy trying to change her sleep situation!

So, the usual plan is this (when I say usual, I mean it is the same action night to night down to the way I whisper in her ear to how I gently lay her in the crib)… One or both of us bath her/Prepare her for bed. I then sit in the rocking chair with LB. She lays on the Boppy (nursing pillow i could not live with out) as I follow the same night time ritual to get her to fall fast asleep. I sometimes need to pull out an array of creative tricks to seal the deal but for the most part, this is the way the first part of the evening goes.

Bean will typically wake any time between midnight to 3AM. At this time she just whines a little, one of us will go to get her and bring her in the bed (king size thank goodness) with us and she nurses to sleep. She will often times wake one-three more times through out the night (can not be specific because most of the time I don’t even remember) to nurse. We have been fine with this schedule/night ritual/sleep plan. Whatever you want to call it. Until the last week, I explained last night.

As I went into her room last night, I found Toot in crawling position waiting calmly for me to pick her up, change her and bring her in my room. But this time, after the diaper change, I sat down in her rocker and tried the new plan. … Uh… I wish I had a camera on her at this moment. Lo looked at me (did not even start to nurse yet) and just stared into my eyes. Her hands loosely together fidgeting, eyes stuck on my every movement, this little girl wanted to know “why the hell are we sitting here and not going into OUR bed?”

This lasted for what seemed like 20 minutes. She finally nursed. Fell fast asleep and I stood up, placed her sweet little fat ass into her bed. NOPE. She was not having that.

Cry
Rock
Sleep
OUR Bed
Kick (not sleep)
HER bed
Cry
Scream
Cry
OUR bed
SLEEP……Finally FUCK.

She then slept the night away until the morning.

Now, what is my plan tonight?
I have no damn clue.
Any suggestions?

Her fourth year.

Giselle found an old voice recorder yesterday. We found a tape from October 10th 2001. The tape was of her blabbing and making noise. Such as, "Yahh yahh yahh, da da, ma, do, yahhhh". Some time in March 2005, we found the recorder. She was 4! The cutest things ever were on this tape. She interviews me and I interview her. As I listened to it, I cried. Im not usually an over emotional type of mother. I just have no video of her when she was younger and this being the first time to hear this was so strange. A huge wave of emotion came over me. I can't pinpoint what it was. Was I happy, sad, proud, guilty, surprised? She had such a baby voice. She was so cute. I asked her what her favorite thing to do was, she said "Shopping at wholefoods and Wallgreens", (Ha. Wallgreens, what the fuck? I guess we shopped there a lot. I don't remember. ) and "going to Nay Nay's". I am going to see if my husband can turn this into a digital format. If he can I will post it on a future blog. It is so special to me. I never want to loose this. When she was four, I was going through some very hard times in life. I was alone, I had major money troubles, I was confused, I spent every moment that she was with her dad at the bar. I was depressed. I missed a lot of her fourth year due to work. I think that was the emotion I felt. I think that was what overcame me.
It has inspired me. It gave me that nudge. That tap on my shoulder telling me, look at where you are now. Look at what I have today. I am the mother I dreamed of being. I am proud of my self today. I am "the best mommy in the world" according to Priss. And that is ALL that matters. Today.