Saturday, March 28, 2009


husband is home.
his flight was canceled last night. he didnt arrive until this early morning. i was so happy to see him. i am so proud of jim. he is quite an ambitious one. and that is sexy to me.
after some rest and then play,
we enjoyed some pho and more fun in the sun in the yard. i tried to get lo to roll over for jim but she wasnt into it today. she did it twice yesterday. come on lola, daddy needs to see you laugh and roll over!!! he says since he was gone, her hair grew. she lost all her hair from when she was born. now her new growth is coming in. she will for sure be a strawberry blond. how cute is that?

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

guilt and forgiveness

when i am nursing, i think of every topic under the sun. from lola’s future to giselle's school to being a wife and to death. tonight, im here alone. husband is on some technology training in hotlanta. my thoughts went wild when i was putting lola to sleep. there were my scared thoughts. my perturbed mind creating a few "what ifs"... i hate that my mind does this to me. remind me to tell jim we need a will before we leave for california. (yes, the thoughts were that bad). my thoughts then went to food, willie our dog and then to the weekend plans. tonight was an unusually long nursing/rocking to bed night. my thoughts continued to babies that dont have it as well as lola does. babies that have parents that neglect them. emotion of sadness and sorrow overcame me. then i began to think about lola. about how lucky she is and is going to be to have parents that STAY together. that love one another. i began to feel guilt. guilt that i did that to giselle. im sorry that i changed so much after her birth that it caused us to no longer love one another.
never did any one tell me, during all the advice and stories that people share of parenting that i will have a never ending feeling of guilt in my life as a parent. i know i am a good mother. i know that i do what i can for both of my girls. i know that i have made decisions in giselle's life that were for the better. but i also know that there were moments i wish i could take back. that i acted immaturely at times. i know that choices i have made, or changes in her life have created such an issue within me that eat me up. if i was selfish ever, i fee guilty about it. if i put my self first ever, i feel guilty. if i didnt listen to her once, i feel guilty. if i spent too much time away form her, i felt guilty. if i made bad decisions (and i made plenty of them), i felt guilty. it is bad.
and as of late, i have been thinking of a few years back. thinking of what i was. who i was. where i was. im not proud of it. and i feel guilty. how do i move past this? how do i tell myself that it was just a time in my life, i needed jennifer time? how do i take this burden off? how do i punish my self then move on?
i think now that jim has been gone for 32 hours, i have been thinking. i NEVER want to be a single mother again. i adore him. i love the family life. i wished for it all of my life. i am the best mother i can be today. and that is a pretty fucking phenomenal mother if i do say so my self. and a great wife too while i am at self boasting. i just cant get over my lows. i cant forgive myself for the bad choices. please tell me how you do it.
how do you do that?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Her fourth year.

Giselle found an old voice recorder yesterday. We found a tape from October 10th 2001. The tape was of her blabbing and making noise. Such as, "Yahh yahh yahh, da da, ma, do, yahhhh". Some time in March 2005, we found the recorder. She was 4! The cutest things ever were on this tape. She interviews me and I interview her. As I listened to it, I cried. Im not usually an over emotional type of mother. I just have no video of her when she was younger and this being the first time to hear this was so strange. A huge wave of emotion came over me. I can't pinpoint what it was. Was I happy, sad, proud, guilty, surprised? She had such a baby voice. She was so cute. I asked her what her favorite thing to do was, she said "Shopping at wholefoods and Wallgreens", (Ha. Wallgreens, what the fuck? I guess we shopped there a lot. I don't remember. ) and "going to Nay Nay's". I am going to see if my husband can turn this into a digital format. If he can I will post it on a future blog. It is so special to me. I never want to loose this. When she was four, I was going through some very hard times in life. I was alone, I had major money troubles, I was confused, I spent every moment that she was with her dad at the bar. I was depressed. I missed a lot of her fourth year due to work. I think that was the emotion I felt. I think that was what overcame me.
It has inspired me. It gave me that nudge. That tap on my shoulder telling me, look at where you are now. Look at what I have today. I am the mother I dreamed of being. I am proud of my self today. I am "the best mommy in the world" according to Priss. And that is ALL that matters. Today.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Spring Break Priss Style

Last week was spring break for Giselle. This is what she was up to.
We babysat the class guinea pig Sweetie!!!
She swam at an indoor pool, she went to Arbuckle Wilderness, and she spent some time with her Aunt Shannon. She also had lunch with her old neighbor friends. We spent a lot of time out in the front yard practicing gymnastics and riding her scooter. We went to Central Market to play and eat with Ange and the kids. We went on a walk in the Colleyville Nature center. We spent the rest of our time out at Nay Nay’s in the country, enjoying s’mores and 4-wheeler rides.
Now it’s a new week and we are back to school. Only a short time till summer. I can not wait. This will be our first summer together!!! I was working before. Now we can spend some time together outdoors. I am so excited!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

a long day...

we had a long day.
we started like any day with coffee for daddy and playing with him till he leaves for work. bean took a nap then we left for lunch with ashley. this place was so delish. i am a huge fan of Mediterranean food. ashley was able to spend time with lola bean for the first time since bean was about two weeks old. lunch was good but my time spent with her was even better. i remember how ashely was there for me when giselle was born when no one else was. i wish we lived closer so that she can spend as much time with her as she did with giselle. i remember my nights with ashley on my porch downtown with wine, asian pears & expensive cheese. we love you ash.

moving on... we then met my sister @ river legacy. we took about an hour and half walk with her, vivi and bb. when we returned, i found my window shattered. i felt violated. i felt a loss. i felt anger. i felt scared. i felt a sense of me was taken. as i searched i discovered nothing was taken. except i cant find my sling. i called the police. made a report. cleaned the glass out as much as possible for what i had to clean it with. then went home. why would some one do this? why would you disrespect ones property? it is so pointless. it is costing me money that i was hoping to spend on our anniversary. i hate people. they are naturally evil.

the evening was better. husband and i cooked an irish din din (shepard's pie) and had guinness. we talked about our day. we watched american idol and geeked out on our laptops. i love him. i love my little geek.

oh and we booked out flight to san fran... help me with our itinerary!!!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Lola bean sat on her own. Here is a video about it.

We love her.

Friday, March 13, 2009

she is a wise young owl

i just want to share....

she is precious.

eye/hand cordination

i adore this little lady. she is growing so fast. i want her to stop, but i want to to keep going because it is so interesting to watch. if im having a bad day, all i do it turn around...look at her... and the smile she gives me is so strong, so loving. it erases all the stress and i catch her smile.

today she changed. she has control over her hands. well. a little bit. but more than she ever has. and that is exciting to a parent of a newborn.


that is the first one....

now watch this!!!

she is growing. like a weed. we are watching.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

to daddy. the story of my day


i hope you had a good day at work. i miss you when you are gone but i know you are working hard to take care of me, sissy, willie and mommy. i appreciate that. i thought about you when i woke up from my nap, and i thought i would tell you the story of my day today through photos.

my day began with you. while mommy made you coffee, i laid with you, woke you up with my restlessness and tooted on you. we talked a while while you enjoyed your coffee. i then kissed you goodbye for the day and went with mommy to take sissy to school. when we got back, you were still here, but i didnt know because i was fast asleep. i had a long nap. when i woke up, mommy had just got out of the shower. so i had tummy time on my boppy while she did her hair to be pretty for you. isnt she pretty... i think so. and her boobies are the best. i know you think so too.

after that we went down stairs and i played for a few minutes on my play mat. i talked to zebra, kicked the shit out of him till he sang to me, and made a new face i have never made before. i like the feeling of my lower lip in my mouth.

then mommy and i had to go to the store to get a few things to make our corn chowder for tonight. she got me a new shampoo by mrs. meyers. i love the smell of it. i like to go to the store with mommy. she carries me in my sling close to her. i feel warm and feel her heart beat. i love it when we are in the car and she looks back at me. i get so excited, i smile so big that you can see all my silly looking gums. mommy told me that she missed you on the way home.

when we got home, i couldnt decide if i wanted to sleep, eat, or play. so i decided to poop three times, slobber so much that i soaked my onsie, eat, then finally sleep. i dreamed that i was napping in your armpit.

while i slept, mommy worked hard at making our dinner. she cut all the veggies and made us home made corn chowder and corn bread. mmm it smelled so yummy. i know you are going to love it. she put extra love in it just for you. look how pretty it was.
when i woke up, we went to go get sissy from school. i get so excited when i see her. she is so exciting to me. i love how loud and silly she is. and her big eyes fascinate me. when we got home, we played in giselle's room. giselle held me, and i watched her play on her new computer you made her. that was so nice of you. it made her so happy. i cant wait to have one of my own. maybe my wallpaper will be bad religion.

i sat in sissy's chair. i like it. can i have one soon? i think i want an orange one. i got tired of it though. because i dont like it when i stay in one place for too long. so i got mad.

but then, mommy held me. i felt so much better. i love it when she takes care of me when i cry. she knows just what to do to to make me feel better. i wanted you to get home soon.

the rest of the night was a blur. i slept in the car on our way to sister's gymnastics. i think you and mommy talked on the way there. you were going to play tennis. i think you are the best tennis player ever. i bet you could beat that nadal guy. i went shopping with mommy at a few stores then picked up giselle. we came home and i had a tough time falling asleep. but mommy finally understood that i wanted to be swaddled and i fell right asleep. i cant wait to wake up at one in the morning and lay next to you and mommy. i love it when you sleep talk and have freak out wake ups. i think i have those too. not the sleep talks but the wake spazes.

well daddy, i just wanted to tell you about how my day was. i know you miss me when you are at work. i miss you bad. i cant wait for the weekend so i can play stand up & spit up with you. you are the best daddy in the world. and even more important, you are such a wonderful husband to mommy.

i love you,

p.s. i cant wait to be with just you on thursday night while mommy takes giselle to the jonas brothers.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

paw paw & nona visit

paw paw and nona came to visit last weekend. lo was a spit up machine. i dress her in some exquisite items some times. you can not see here but she had her argyle baby legs on. when they walked in they said, "what is she wearing". haha greatness.
i was sewing bean a blanket that day.... it was a week ago and i still have yet to finish the damn thing. i swear it is a machine error and not user error!!!! ;-) i will post the photos as soon as i figure it out.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Tummy Time

Lola Bean is 13 weeks now. She is just precious.
She can now....
"Coo" & "Goo" which is by far the coolest thing in the world so far.
She can Toot & giggle about it. It is just plane silly.
She recognizes Me, Daddy, Sissy & Angie. The feeling I get when some one else holds her and all she wants to do is find me and smile her biggest smile...well, it is just warming to my heart.
She can kick for things on her play mat. Oh and poops during that too.
Her favorite things include bath time, mirror time, standing time, and sling time.
That sling is a wonderful thing. I am so happy we don't have a kid carrier. I think our bond is better with the sling.
She now sleeps in her crib for all of her naps and for the beginning of her night sleep. She wakes about 1am when I feed her and then bring her into the bed with us. I love co-sleeping. She scoots as close as she can to me. Every time. Her face always ends up in my armpit. Ha
She is still nursing exclusively. She does get a bottle of pumped milk at least once every other day. She does well with that.
Our favorite thing to do with her is talk in foul language in a cutesy manner. The more vulgar the better. We crack up!!!
She is now on a schedule. And I do not like to stray from that. It makes our easy life stressful. She doesn't like a change in her environment. I can see it stresses her out. She wants the same smells, the same visuals, the same sounds, the same blanket, the same nap times. I don't blame her. That is what comforts me. I think it builds trust.
She still takes a pacifier when she is just falling asleep. Then I take it out. I never intended on her taking one. But this little lady wants it. She needs it. It pacifies her. Her little eyes roll back into her head and she falls right to sleep. Why take something away from her that is so helpful and comforting to us all?
Below are two photos. She HATES tummy time. She just looks so uncomfortable and unnatural. So We do modified tummy time. This is how we did it today. She liked it.

Here she is in the beginning.

She then got a little pooped. I can't blame her.
I adore her. Jim said every one talked about how when she comes...that is when you fall right in love with her. They say that is when it all comes into place. I know for me.... this time, I think that didn't happen until about 2 weeks ago. When I knew SHE needed ME. That I am how she survives. That my food for her nourishes her. That she needs me to talk to her in order to develop. That she needs my touch to survive. I am her Mother. And it was about then I fell in love with her. It took longer with her than it did with Giselle. Maybe because I needed Giselle before she even came. With Lola, she joined a happy, loving, healthy family that wanted her here. I had time to fall in love. With no pressure.

It is a wonderful life.

Mean mommy

i was in the baby superstore today. i don't know if i am over emotional today or is the story.
from the moment i walked in i heard babies crying. but there was one in particular. i was halfway through the store and this one, was still crying. and it was the bad cry. you know the one where it sounds like they might have been hurting. i could not help but walk toward the poor baby. when i got to the destination, i saw a mother, her stroller, and her twins. the mother was shopping while one was drinking a bottle that was propped up by a blanket quiet as could be. her twin sister was the one that i was worried about. the mother followed to yell at the baby. let me tell you this baby was no more than five months. she talked to this baby girl like she was a misbehaving 7 year old. she says... "no, sit back, no yelling, stop it. drink your bottle. stop crying." all the while pushing her back to the lay down position. i understand that some mothers have a different approach. but good god. what the hell does she think this baby is going to do when a human is treating it like that. does she not know that babies need love, a gentle touch, and to be held. right then, i began to cry. YES right there in the middle of the layette section of the store. with lola in the sling sleeping, i am sheading tears. all i could think about was how bad these babies life is. if this was all i saw, it must be like that all the time. i began to feel so much pain for these little helpless girls. it made me to sad to think they got a woman like that for a mother. the one who is supposed to nurture you, love you, sing to you, kiss you, gently cradle you. i didnt not say anything to that woman. i did however look into her eyes for an extended period of time. i hope she had a moment to think after that. thank goodness the baby fell asleep. im so sad now. i can not stop thinking about all the little babies out there with mommies with out patience and a gentle heart.