back to our old sleep schedule. luckily we dont have to stroll her to sleep like she does. but i would not say what we have is much better. at least she has her bed. she is back to her usual. sleep by 8. wake with in an hour or two. refuse to sleep the remainder of the night in anything but my cleavage in OUR bed. it is adorable though. the way she falls asleep these days. she squeezes my tit and pushes on it. just like an animal with their mother. quite sweet and endearing. although i did not mention what she does with her other hand. my inner bicep is layered with small bruises the size of a dime or less.. she fancies pinching and punching the inner area of my upper arm. i used to think it was cute. NOT any more. after nine months. not so much. i would like her to stop. so when the plan was to cut out at least one nursing session. i think we may have added one due to her teething.
if i had it my way, i would be prancing her around all my friends, all jims co-workers, all the people we know. she will gladly add a smile to your face. she is so goofy and quick to attempt to make you laugh. she is way better than your lame-O therapist. i swear.
she is quite the different child. she putseverygoddamnthinginhermouth. she moves so fast that i dont know how she gets from the living room to the bathroom, to the kitchen to pulling up on me while i have a hot pot in hand cooking dinner. she is explorative. if that is a word. i have an issue with memories. as close friends may know. i dont remember all of what giselle was like during this time. it was only 7 years ago. WTF? but, i do remember her knowing what the word no meant. lola does not comprehend it just yet. she just smiles and laughs at me. all the while i think she is saying.... "who me? ha ha ha bull shit, im not going to stop this. it is way too much fun." in her head.
we have so much to look forward to. germs and all.
I would like to know more mothers that have had more than one child. I NEVER thought about "age difference" when I was thinking of planning a family. But then, i'm not much into family planning. (obviously the current until the next one) I wish I could talk to another few families who have more than one and that have a significant age gap. I guess I need some sort of training.
Time Management - Check Figuring out her naps - Check Night time - Check ( one day needs to be adjusted) Sissy bonding - Check How to spend our days - Check How to deal with Only Child Syndrome - I need a fucking manual/tutor/trainer/nanny/book/clone/whateverelseyoucansuggest
Giselle is graceful (most of the time). She will gently let me know she is tired of bean being awake. "Can she take two naps at a time?" or "Can we have Nay Nay Baby watch her today?" She will share her feelings in a kind manner. But she has THOSE feelings. She desires "mommy and me" time EVERY day.
I want to give that to her. But I want her to get used to being a sissy. I am ready for her to understand that there WILL be naps. There WILL be feedings. She WILL need to learn how to entertain her self as I need to put her to bed.
I read Mrs. Wolf's blog all the fucking time. I love her mothering style. I love how adorable Fable is. I love her honesty and experiences that are raw and similar to my life and struggles I can relate to... She has two children, but not the age difference I have. She talked about the guilt of a second child. And I have it. I would love to talk to other moms about how they handled this. And how long it lasted. I want to be there for Giselle like I used to be. But at the same time, take great care of Lola. I want to help Giselle with this transition as well as get help with this situation. There is a bigger age difference than just a couple years. She is a good girl. Don't get me wrong. She tries to be graceful about her suggestions and she NEVER has and evil/hurtful actions toward her sister. I just want to know what to do from here. I want to finish this summer with a bank. Keeping her busy, keeping it fun, and having us time.
Oh, secong children. I feel sorry for you. Tell me how you adjusted. (even though I was a second child, i don't remember that shit) Please. What is the best age to bring another child into your family. We need to begin that planning.
summer time has begun and i know this year it is going to be fun. i am excited to spend my days with giselle. if you know me, you know our schedule with her is always something different. in the past few years there have been phases. times when she was with daddy more and times that she was with me more and back and forth again. this last year, i was thankful to have a little more stable schedule for her. even though i wish we could have got a little more daddy time in during the week, i think the time they did spend together were fun packed.
i learned something yesterday about giselle. i realized i dont know the "daddy's" giselle. i only know the "mommy's" giselle. and her life is quite different at the two locations. i want to know more about the other 50% of her. i want to know more about how she acts and food she chooses and everything in between. these thoughts came to the surface when i decided to take her to taco bueno for lunch. i was not feeling well yesterday and decided to take her to something fast for lunch. i think in her lifetime i have maybe taken her to a fast food place 3 to four times. (minus a desert trip) nevertheless, i learned what she orders from this place. a kids meal with a crispy taco with only meat and cheese and a root beer. the meal comes with cinnamon chips. she likes to open the taco and eat it on one side then eat the filling that fell out with the other side. she likes root beer a lot. and her favorite part is the cinnamon chips. she loves the sugar and cinnamon at the bottom and likes to lick the chip and dip it in the yummies.
it is strange. to not know parts of her. to not know what soda she likes. to not know what she would order at a restaurant. i could get upset about it, but there is no need. nothing will be changing any time soon, so i just have to get to talking with her. she has gained this level of maturity lately. we can have really neat conversations of a new level. she is fun to be around. i continue to have the opportunity to teach her how to be a genuine, kind, giving, moral individual through each day we spend together.
i look forward to watch her grow with her sissy, learn about life and become a young woman. i adore her. she is my pooty!!
when i am nursing, i think of every topic under the sun. from lola’s future to giselle's school to being a wife and to death. tonight, im here alone. husband is on some technology training in hotlanta. my thoughts went wild when i was putting lola to sleep. there were my scared thoughts. my perturbed mind creating a few "what ifs"... i hate that my mind does this to me. remind me to tell jim we need a will before we leave for california. (yes, the thoughts were that bad). my thoughts then went to food, willie our dog and then to the weekend plans. tonight was an unusually long nursing/rocking to bed night. my thoughts continued to babies that dont have it as well as lola does. babies that have parents that neglect them. emotion of sadness and sorrow overcame me. then i began to think about lola. about how lucky she is and is going to be to have parents that STAY together. that love one another. i began to feel guilt. guilt that i did that to giselle. im sorry that i changed so much after her birth that it caused us to no longer love one another. never did any one tell me, during all the advice and stories that people share of parenting that i will have a never ending feeling of guilt in my life as a parent. i know i am a good mother. i know that i do what i can for both of my girls. i know that i have made decisions in giselle's life that were for the better. but i also know that there were moments i wish i could take back. that i acted immaturely at times. i know that choices i have made, or changes in her life have created such an issue within me that eat me up. if i was selfish ever, i fee guilty about it. if i put my self first ever, i feel guilty. if i didnt listen to her once, i feel guilty. if i spent too much time away form her, i felt guilty. if i made bad decisions (and i made plenty of them), i felt guilty. it is bad. and as of late, i have been thinking of a few years back. thinking of what i was. who i was. where i was. im not proud of it. and i feel guilty. how do i move past this? how do i tell myself that it was just a time in my life, i needed jennifer time? how do i take this burden off? how do i punish my self then move on? i think now that jim has been gone for 32 hours, i have been thinking. i NEVER want to be a single mother again. i adore him. i love the family life. i wished for it all of my life. i am the best mother i can be today. and that is a pretty fucking phenomenal mother if i do say so my self. and a great wife too while i am at self boasting. i just cant get over my lows. i cant forgive myself for the bad choices. please tell me how you do it. how do you do that?
Giselle found an old voice recorder yesterday. We found a tape from October 10th 2001. The tape was of her blabbing and making noise. Such as, "Yahh yahh yahh, da da, ma, do, yahhhh". Some time in March 2005, we found the recorder. She was 4! The cutest things ever were on this tape. She interviews me and I interview her. As I listened to it, I cried. Im not usually an over emotional type of mother. I just have no video of her when she was younger and this being the first time to hear this was so strange. A huge wave of emotion came over me. I can't pinpoint what it was. Was I happy, sad, proud, guilty, surprised? She had such a baby voice. She was so cute. I asked her what her favorite thing to do was, she said "Shopping at wholefoods and Wallgreens", (Ha. Wallgreens, what the fuck? I guess we shopped there a lot. I don't remember. ) and "going to Nay Nay's". I am going to see if my husband can turn this into a digital format. If he can I will post it on a future blog. It is so special to me. I never want to loose this. When she was four, I was going through some very hard times in life. I was alone, I had major money troubles, I was confused, I spent every moment that she was with her dad at the bar. I was depressed. I missed a lot of her fourth year due to work. I think that was the emotion I felt. I think that was what overcame me. It has inspired me. It gave me that nudge. That tap on my shoulder telling me, look at where you are now. Look at what I have today. I am the mother I dreamed of being. I am proud of my self today. I am "the best mommy in the world" according to Priss. And that is ALL that matters. Today.
Last week was spring break for Giselle. This is what she was up to. We babysat the class guinea pig Sweetie!!! She swam at an indoor pool, she went to Arbuckle Wilderness, and she spent some time with her Aunt Shannon. She also had lunch with her old neighbor friends. We spent a lot of time out in the front yard practicing gymnastics and riding her scooter. We went to Central Market to play and eat with Ange and the kids. We went on a walk in the Colleyville Nature center. We spent the rest of our time out at Nay Nay’s in the country, enjoying s’mores and 4-wheeler rides. Now it’s a new week and we are back to school. Only a short time till summer. I can not wait. This will be our first summer together!!! I was working before. Now we can spend some time together outdoors. I am so excited!
Lola Bean is 13 weeks now. She is just precious. She can now.... "Coo" & "Goo" which is by far the coolest thing in the world so far. She can Toot & giggle about it. It is just plane silly. She recognizes Me, Daddy, Sissy & Angie. The feeling I get when some one else holds her and all she wants to do is find me and smile her biggest smile...well, it is just warming to my heart. She can kick for things on her play mat. Oh and poops during that too. Her favorite things include bath time, mirror time, standing time, and sling time. That sling is a wonderful thing. I am so happy we don't have a kid carrier. I think our bond is better with the sling. She now sleeps in her crib for all of her naps and for the beginning of her night sleep. She wakes about 1am when I feed her and then bring her into the bed with us. I love co-sleeping. She scoots as close as she can to me. Every time. Her face always ends up in my armpit. Ha She is still nursing exclusively. She does get a bottle of pumped milk at least once every other day. She does well with that. Our favorite thing to do with her is talk in foul language in a cutesy manner. The more vulgar the better. We crack up!!! She is now on a schedule. And I do not like to stray from that. It makes our easy life stressful. She doesn't like a change in her environment. I can see it stresses her out. She wants the same smells, the same visuals, the same sounds, the same blanket, the same nap times. I don't blame her. That is what comforts me. I think it builds trust. She still takes a pacifier when she is just falling asleep. Then I take it out. I never intended on her taking one. But this little lady wants it. She needs it. It pacifies her. Her little eyes roll back into her head and she falls right to sleep. Why take something away from her that is so helpful and comforting to us all? Below are two photos. She HATES tummy time. She just looks so uncomfortable and unnatural. So We do modified tummy time. This is how we did it today. She liked it.
Here she is in the beginning.
She then got a little pooped. I can't blame her.
I adore her. Jim said every one talked about how when she comes...that is when you fall right in love with her. They say that is when it all comes into place. I know for me.... this time, I think that didn't happen until about 2 weeks ago. When I knew SHE needed ME. That I am how she survives. That my food for her nourishes her. That she needs me to talk to her in order to develop. That she needs my touch to survive. I am her Mother. And it was about then I fell in love with her. It took longer with her than it did with Giselle. Maybe because I needed Giselle before she even came. With Lola, she joined a happy, loving, healthy family that wanted her here. I had time to fall in love. With no pressure.
