Thursday, September 30, 2010

One year

Today, last year....
I was sitting in a tan fake leather chair.
I didn't have hope because I am a realist.
I was learning that I had more power than my misunderstood grandmother.
I was angry.
I was not ready.

I was scared. And had NO idea... what was about to happen to my life. My self. Or my memories.

The day I got the call from his nurse, (it's not like I didn't not prepare myself, she gave him 20% to live) I did not release tears right away. Maybe not even that evening.

Then... he was dead. Now it is three hundred sixty four days later, and I don't know where I am in the grieving process. Am I still in the first phase? Maybe the second. How long is all that supposed to last?
It gets better, then his birthday comes.
Then it gets better, and fathers day comes.
Then it gets better, and my birthday comes.
Then it gets better, then October 1st comes.
Those are just days. Just another day. I want to let those days go.

Last week I looked in the mirror at my self in the car. I saw a spot on my forehead. It is a scar. It reminded me of my dad. He had a scar. Almost identical. In the same spot on his head.

And then, his dog, Belezza, is dead today. Dogs and humans are no different. If your heart cant heal from loss, your body manifests that sadness into your body. It will eat you away. She died of a tumor.

I am ready to get back to the blog. I am ready to make this about my family, how we are growing and learning and how interesting we are. So I cheers, here is to a fresh re-start. May the beans & threads story continue...