Thursday, March 26, 2009

guilt and forgiveness

when i am nursing, i think of every topic under the sun. from lola’s future to giselle's school to being a wife and to death. tonight, im here alone. husband is on some technology training in hotlanta. my thoughts went wild when i was putting lola to sleep. there were my scared thoughts. my perturbed mind creating a few "what ifs"... i hate that my mind does this to me. remind me to tell jim we need a will before we leave for california. (yes, the thoughts were that bad). my thoughts then went to food, willie our dog and then to the weekend plans. tonight was an unusually long nursing/rocking to bed night. my thoughts continued to babies that dont have it as well as lola does. babies that have parents that neglect them. emotion of sadness and sorrow overcame me. then i began to think about lola. about how lucky she is and is going to be to have parents that STAY together. that love one another. i began to feel guilt. guilt that i did that to giselle. im sorry that i changed so much after her birth that it caused us to no longer love one another.
never did any one tell me, during all the advice and stories that people share of parenting that i will have a never ending feeling of guilt in my life as a parent. i know i am a good mother. i know that i do what i can for both of my girls. i know that i have made decisions in giselle's life that were for the better. but i also know that there were moments i wish i could take back. that i acted immaturely at times. i know that choices i have made, or changes in her life have created such an issue within me that eat me up. if i was selfish ever, i fee guilty about it. if i put my self first ever, i feel guilty. if i didnt listen to her once, i feel guilty. if i spent too much time away form her, i felt guilty. if i made bad decisions (and i made plenty of them), i felt guilty. it is bad.
and as of late, i have been thinking of a few years back. thinking of what i was. who i was. where i was. im not proud of it. and i feel guilty. how do i move past this? how do i tell myself that it was just a time in my life, i needed jennifer time? how do i take this burden off? how do i punish my self then move on?
i think now that jim has been gone for 32 hours, i have been thinking. i NEVER want to be a single mother again. i adore him. i love the family life. i wished for it all of my life. i am the best mother i can be today. and that is a pretty fucking phenomenal mother if i do say so my self. and a great wife too while i am at self boasting. i just cant get over my lows. i cant forgive myself for the bad choices. please tell me how you do it.
how do you do that?

3 comments:

Anna Joy said...

Hi friend! I am in your shoes. Everyday I carry a huge burden of the past and the present. I've done many regretful things and I wonder every single day, "What if?" But then I look at Gavin and I know my life is suppose to be where it is today and I feel very blessed.
I wake up every morning and I ask Jesus to forgive me and to help me forgive myself. He is the only one that can teach me about forgiveness because He forgives me for the terrible things I do daily. Alcohol, drugs, sex, food...I've tried it all to help me forget my sins but it is only temporary. But when I turn to God...I can't explain it...I just feel renewed. I feel unconditionally loved and I feel beautiful. It is an amazing joy and nothing else has come close to that in my life.
I hope to see you soon, friend...it's been too long! I miss you!!!

cathartic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cathartic said...

well.. after i wrote this, my husband was able to help me. as a non-believer, i thank my believing friends. i thank them for their prayers. i thank them for their thoughts. but that will not help me. reality will help me. my reality, and they words of my husband helped. they were real. they were self accepting. they were honest and real. what can i say. i see black and white and my husband.. he helped me see the grey tonight.