Thursday, September 30, 2010

One year

Today, last year....
I was sitting in a tan fake leather chair.
I didn't have hope because I am a realist.
I was learning that I had more power than my misunderstood grandmother.
I was angry.
I was not ready.

I was scared. And had NO idea... what was about to happen to my life. My self. Or my memories.

The day I got the call from his nurse, (it's not like I didn't not prepare myself, she gave him 20% to live) I did not release tears right away. Maybe not even that evening.

Then... he was dead. Now it is three hundred sixty four days later, and I don't know where I am in the grieving process. Am I still in the first phase? Maybe the second. How long is all that supposed to last?
It gets better, then his birthday comes.
Then it gets better, and fathers day comes.
Then it gets better, and my birthday comes.
Then it gets better, then October 1st comes.
Those are just days. Just another day. I want to let those days go.

Last week I looked in the mirror at my self in the car. I saw a spot on my forehead. It is a scar. It reminded me of my dad. He had a scar. Almost identical. In the same spot on his head.

And then, his dog, Belezza, is dead today. Dogs and humans are no different. If your heart cant heal from loss, your body manifests that sadness into your body. It will eat you away. She died of a tumor.

I am ready to get back to the blog. I am ready to make this about my family, how we are growing and learning and how interesting we are. So I cheers, here is to a fresh re-start. May the beans & threads story continue...



Martha Brothers said...


I wish I was as eloquent as you were. Reading your blog reminds me of George's death - 15 months and 18 days ago. And boy is widowhood rough - I want a t-shirt that says "Widowhood isn't for sissies...........". I miss George's smile, his consideration of me and my needs, and even his flaws. They are all what made George such a huge presence in my life, and why there is such a HUGE hole in my life where he used to be. I also miss my mom, who was my best friend. She died Nov. 12th 1995, so long ago and yet I think of her all the time. God bless you Jennifer. Give your girls a hug for me. Love, Martha

Martha Brothers said...

See above.