Alternate Endings and A Last Conversation

I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately. I just checked his email. There were none of importance. Noone that might have written him, not knowing he was dead. No one just sending one for their own cathartic release. Just junk mail. It makes me feel guilt. It makes me feel lonely for him. I feel regret for not sharing more of my recent life with him. While he consistently asked me to spend more time, give more effort and be closer to him and his family. I think of how alone he really was. I wonder how often he spoke to people other than his household or his mother. I wonder how often he thought of me, or my children, or my ridiculous young adult mistakes that he was so disapproving of.

I remember my last conversation with him. I needed some one to watch Lola so that I could join in on a field trip with Giselle's class. Daddy had asked me months prior, in tears, to call him for help, to spend more time with him and to put him closer to my heart. So I did. (this was two weeks to the day that he went to the hospital)The conversation was short. He picked up, I asked about the children. The school year had just began. He shared with me that Angel had been having issues with discipline and the girls were adjusting well. This was Lea's first year in pre-K. He sounded ill. I asked him about this. He said the family was just getting over the FLU. They were all often sick with something. I asked what his plans were for the following day. He said he was going to get an MRI for his back. He had been complaining of pain since his auto accident in June. I never told him the reason I called. I think maybe if I did it would have given him a little warming in his heart. That I had thought of him again to call on for help. But I will not ever know about that. I then ended the conversation, like I always did, with suggestions of us getting together. (however due to my own issues, I really just never followed through)

Some time before this, Daddy watched Lola so I could run up to Giselle's school for a parent-teacher conference. It went well.This was his first time in years he had been with either of my children unsupervised. There were not any issues, unless you view him holding her in one arm and smoking in the other. I had major apprehensions letting my dad watch her unsupervised.

My issues included:
His alcohol intake
His smoking
His demeanor towards life in general. (which manifested in to a loud & vulgar tone, and abusiveness)

I wanted to tell him these things. I remember conversations with my sister on one of my emotional days feeling powerful and brave.

"I am going to tell him these things. I think if I do I will feel better. And maybe it will open his eyes. Maybe he will then understand."

I never told him.
What If I had? Would it have changed anything? Would is had angered him? Would he had not spoken with me in a while? Would he have taken it to heart, opened his eyes? Would he had said that he would refrain from smoking in from of her? That he would drink less, get help? Would he have taken a step backward and looked at the way he was treating and talking to Flor and his children. Would he stop yelling?

Goddamnit. I am so angry that you cant go back in life. That we don't have a rewind button on life. No "deleted scenes" or "alternate endings" like on a DVD.