outdoors

husband is home.
his flight was canceled last night. he didnt arrive until this early morning. i was so happy to see him. i am so proud of jim. he is quite an ambitious one. and that is sexy to me.
after some rest and then play,
we enjoyed some pho and more fun in the sun in the yard. i tried to get lo to roll over for jim but she wasnt into it today. she did it twice yesterday. come on lola, daddy needs to see you laugh and roll over!!! he says since he was gone, her hair grew. she lost all her hair from when she was born. now her new growth is coming in. she will for sure be a strawberry blond. how cute is that?
enjoy.

guilt and forgiveness

when i am nursing, i think of every topic under the sun. from lola’s future to giselle's school to being a wife and to death. tonight, im here alone. husband is on some technology training in hotlanta. my thoughts went wild when i was putting lola to sleep. there were my scared thoughts. my perturbed mind creating a few "what ifs"... i hate that my mind does this to me. remind me to tell jim we need a will before we leave for california. (yes, the thoughts were that bad). my thoughts then went to food, willie our dog and then to the weekend plans. tonight was an unusually long nursing/rocking to bed night. my thoughts continued to babies that dont have it as well as lola does. babies that have parents that neglect them. emotion of sadness and sorrow overcame me. then i began to think about lola. about how lucky she is and is going to be to have parents that STAY together. that love one another. i began to feel guilt. guilt that i did that to giselle. im sorry that i changed so much after her birth that it caused us to no longer love one another.
never did any one tell me, during all the advice and stories that people share of parenting that i will have a never ending feeling of guilt in my life as a parent. i know i am a good mother. i know that i do what i can for both of my girls. i know that i have made decisions in giselle's life that were for the better. but i also know that there were moments i wish i could take back. that i acted immaturely at times. i know that choices i have made, or changes in her life have created such an issue within me that eat me up. if i was selfish ever, i fee guilty about it. if i put my self first ever, i feel guilty. if i didnt listen to her once, i feel guilty. if i spent too much time away form her, i felt guilty. if i made bad decisions (and i made plenty of them), i felt guilty. it is bad.
and as of late, i have been thinking of a few years back. thinking of what i was. who i was. where i was. im not proud of it. and i feel guilty. how do i move past this? how do i tell myself that it was just a time in my life, i needed jennifer time? how do i take this burden off? how do i punish my self then move on?
i think now that jim has been gone for 32 hours, i have been thinking. i NEVER want to be a single mother again. i adore him. i love the family life. i wished for it all of my life. i am the best mother i can be today. and that is a pretty fucking phenomenal mother if i do say so my self. and a great wife too while i am at self boasting. i just cant get over my lows. i cant forgive myself for the bad choices. please tell me how you do it.
how do you do that?

Her fourth year.

Giselle found an old voice recorder yesterday. We found a tape from October 10th 2001. The tape was of her blabbing and making noise. Such as, "Yahh yahh yahh, da da, ma, do, yahhhh". Some time in March 2005, we found the recorder. She was 4! The cutest things ever were on this tape. She interviews me and I interview her. As I listened to it, I cried. Im not usually an over emotional type of mother. I just have no video of her when she was younger and this being the first time to hear this was so strange. A huge wave of emotion came over me. I can't pinpoint what it was. Was I happy, sad, proud, guilty, surprised? She had such a baby voice. She was so cute. I asked her what her favorite thing to do was, she said "Shopping at wholefoods and Wallgreens", (Ha. Wallgreens, what the fuck? I guess we shopped there a lot. I don't remember. ) and "going to Nay Nay's". I am going to see if my husband can turn this into a digital format. If he can I will post it on a future blog. It is so special to me. I never want to loose this. When she was four, I was going through some very hard times in life. I was alone, I had major money troubles, I was confused, I spent every moment that she was with her dad at the bar. I was depressed. I missed a lot of her fourth year due to work. I think that was the emotion I felt. I think that was what overcame me.
It has inspired me. It gave me that nudge. That tap on my shoulder telling me, look at where you are now. Look at what I have today. I am the mother I dreamed of being. I am proud of my self today. I am "the best mommy in the world" according to Priss. And that is ALL that matters. Today.

Spring Break Priss Style

Last week was spring break for Giselle. This is what she was up to.
We babysat the class guinea pig Sweetie!!!
She swam at an indoor pool, she went to Arbuckle Wilderness, and she spent some time with her Aunt Shannon. She also had lunch with her old neighbor friends. We spent a lot of time out in the front yard practicing gymnastics and riding her scooter. We went to Central Market to play and eat with Ange and the kids. We went on a walk in the Colleyville Nature center. We spent the rest of our time out at Nay Nay’s in the country, enjoying s’mores and 4-wheeler rides.
Now it’s a new week and we are back to school. Only a short time till summer. I can not wait. This will be our first summer together!!! I was working before. Now we can spend some time together outdoors. I am so excited!

a long day...

we had a long day.
we started like any day with coffee for daddy and playing with him till he leaves for work. bean took a nap then we left for lunch with ashley. this place was so delish. i am a huge fan of Mediterranean food. ashley was able to spend time with lola bean for the first time since bean was about two weeks old. lunch was good but my time spent with her was even better. i remember how ashely was there for me when giselle was born when no one else was. i wish we lived closer so that she can spend as much time with her as she did with giselle. i remember my nights with ashley on my porch downtown with wine, asian pears & expensive cheese. we love you ash.

moving on... we then met my sister @ river legacy. we took about an hour and half walk with her, vivi and bb. when we returned, i found my window shattered. i felt violated. i felt a loss. i felt anger. i felt scared. i felt a sense of me was taken. as i searched i discovered nothing was taken. except i cant find my sling. i called the police. made a report. cleaned the glass out as much as possible for what i had to clean it with. then went home. why would some one do this? why would you disrespect ones property? it is so pointless. it is costing me money that i was hoping to spend on our anniversary. i hate people. they are naturally evil.

the evening was better. husband and i cooked an irish din din (shepard's pie) and had guinness. we talked about our day. we watched american idol and geeked out on our laptops. i love him. i love my little geek.

oh and we booked out flight to san fran... help me with our itinerary!!!

Lola bean sat on her own. Here is a video about it.


We love her.

she is a wise young owl

i just want to share....

she is precious.