Lake House

We spent the weekend with my best lady friends at a Lakehouse!
This place was great! I suggest everyone gather your closest friends and take a trip. Giselle didn't get to come this time. But we will be going to Palestine in three weeks and South Padre in July. I am thankful the girls were able to spend some time with Lola. I am also happy to spend some much needed time with the ladies. I'm excited to get to know their significant others better and for them to get to know Jim.
Please enjoy our photos.

outdoors

husband is home.
his flight was canceled last night. he didnt arrive until this early morning. i was so happy to see him. i am so proud of jim. he is quite an ambitious one. and that is sexy to me.
after some rest and then play,
we enjoyed some pho and more fun in the sun in the yard. i tried to get lo to roll over for jim but she wasnt into it today. she did it twice yesterday. come on lola, daddy needs to see you laugh and roll over!!! he says since he was gone, her hair grew. she lost all her hair from when she was born. now her new growth is coming in. she will for sure be a strawberry blond. how cute is that?
enjoy.

guilt and forgiveness

when i am nursing, i think of every topic under the sun. from lola’s future to giselle's school to being a wife and to death. tonight, im here alone. husband is on some technology training in hotlanta. my thoughts went wild when i was putting lola to sleep. there were my scared thoughts. my perturbed mind creating a few "what ifs"... i hate that my mind does this to me. remind me to tell jim we need a will before we leave for california. (yes, the thoughts were that bad). my thoughts then went to food, willie our dog and then to the weekend plans. tonight was an unusually long nursing/rocking to bed night. my thoughts continued to babies that dont have it as well as lola does. babies that have parents that neglect them. emotion of sadness and sorrow overcame me. then i began to think about lola. about how lucky she is and is going to be to have parents that STAY together. that love one another. i began to feel guilt. guilt that i did that to giselle. im sorry that i changed so much after her birth that it caused us to no longer love one another.
never did any one tell me, during all the advice and stories that people share of parenting that i will have a never ending feeling of guilt in my life as a parent. i know i am a good mother. i know that i do what i can for both of my girls. i know that i have made decisions in giselle's life that were for the better. but i also know that there were moments i wish i could take back. that i acted immaturely at times. i know that choices i have made, or changes in her life have created such an issue within me that eat me up. if i was selfish ever, i fee guilty about it. if i put my self first ever, i feel guilty. if i didnt listen to her once, i feel guilty. if i spent too much time away form her, i felt guilty. if i made bad decisions (and i made plenty of them), i felt guilty. it is bad.
and as of late, i have been thinking of a few years back. thinking of what i was. who i was. where i was. im not proud of it. and i feel guilty. how do i move past this? how do i tell myself that it was just a time in my life, i needed jennifer time? how do i take this burden off? how do i punish my self then move on?
i think now that jim has been gone for 32 hours, i have been thinking. i NEVER want to be a single mother again. i adore him. i love the family life. i wished for it all of my life. i am the best mother i can be today. and that is a pretty fucking phenomenal mother if i do say so my self. and a great wife too while i am at self boasting. i just cant get over my lows. i cant forgive myself for the bad choices. please tell me how you do it.
how do you do that?